If you had to think about that question, chances are you need to take our quiz. Because understanding the dynamics of your friendships will make them stronger.
Take a minute to think about your best friend. Really think about her. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Trust? Loyalty? Competitiveness? Annoyance? As dark as it sounds, many of our friendships are subconsciously based on underlying themes of envy (when her man whisked her off abroad), dislike and anger (how come her love life takes up all your energy?). These negative emotions can either knit the relationship together or, if suppressed, bubble over into blazing rows and week-long sulks.
Although it’s normal to not love everyone 24/7, remember that the friendships you cultivate – and how you deal with them – actually speak volumes about you. But whatever your bond is built on, there is a way to make it unbreakable. Simply take our quiz, with one specific friend in mind (begin with your best friend), for advice on how to have a healthier, happier friendship, starting today.
The Friendship Test
1. Your friend tells you she’s going on a diet for your holiday together. Do you:
A. Tell her she looks fantastic the size she is.
B. Make all the right noises but find yourself tempting her with an odd chocolate or two.
C. Worry that she’ll look better on the beach than you.
D. Offer encouragement and buy her diet books and some state-of-the-art bathroom scales.
2. Your friend buys you anti-wrinkle cream for your birthday. You think:
A. It’s a joke. You’ll get her a bus-pass holder!
B. You’re delighted. It’s an expensive brand and an incredible treat.
C. You take it as an insult and start planning how to let her know you’re offended.
D. You book yourself in for Botox immediately.
3. Your friend has been made redundant and asks if there are any jobs at your firm. You:
A. Not only ask HR, but put in a glowing. recommendation for her as well.
B. Lie and say there are no vacancies. She’s a great mate, but you’re not sure she’s got what it takes.
C. Wonder why she’s muscling in on your territory.
D. Start planning all the fun you’ll have together on your lunch breaks.
4. How would you describe the way your friend looks?
A. Most people take you for sisters.
B. Equally attractive and as stylish as you, but with different colouring.
C. Very different to you, but your looks complement each other.
D. Gorgeous! You’re proud that she’s your friend.
5. Your parents’/partner’s attitude to your friend is:
A. That she’s OK, but sometimes they joke she’s a bit of a bad influence.
B. That she’s part of the family.
C. So-so, You find yourself having to stand up for her quite a lot.
D. Great. Sometimes they seem to like her more than you do!
6. You would describe your falling-outs as:
A. Epic. They tend to flare up over perceived slights and then last for months at a time.
B. Small irritations. She has a few traits or habits that you find annoying now and again, but your rarely say or do anything about them.
C. You don’t fall out. You never let it get to that stage.
D. You shout and row occasionally, but you always hug and make up right away.
7. How do you normally communicate with each other?
A. Text and email. It’s your own personal blogging system and you miss nothing during the day.
B. You always phone, at least once a week or more.
C. You meet up and do your talking face-to-face.
D. It’s almost by osmosis. Even if you don’t see her for a while you can always guess how she’s feeling.
8. How do you think your friends would describe you?
A. Funny, loud, spontaneous.
B. Successful, dynamic.
C. Someone who understands them and is always there for them.
D. Paranoid, insecure and in need of regular cheering up.
0-25
Suppressed Friendship
You’re aware your friend can be annoying but you’re avoiding conflict to the point where you’re in danger of turning passive-aggressive, i.e. sitting on a whole barrel-load of simmering resentments until they boil over into one great potentially lethal row.
Why do you find your friend so difficult to talk to? You’re happy to chat about other problems with her, but not the one that’s bugging you the most, which is her. Your desire for approval and avoidance of any communication that might compromise the ‘serene’ nature of your relationship needs some analysis – is your friend dominating your life? Does she call the shots over most of the major decisions? Fear seems to be a big factor here, which is rarely a good basis for a strong friendship.
How To Reboot This Friendship
First, write down a list of all the things your friend does that you feel are unfair or that irritate you. Now delete anything that you feel is more about you – i.e. anything that most people would judge to be normal. Next discuss problems calmly, face to face, but focus on future change rather than old whinges. Let her know all the things you value about her as a friend.
26-49
Competitive Friendship
You’re the Blair and Serena of the friendship world, warring your way through life and seeing your friend as part mate, part rival. In many ways you’d die for each other, but sometimes you’d happily kill each other, too! Trust can be an issue with you. Would you really trust your friend alone with your man? Probably not. But then she probably wouldn’t trust you either.
You use this friendship to achieve success in your life – allowing emotions like jealousy to spur you on to achieve more – or you secretly like it because, despite the rows, you know life’s never boring with her.
How To Make This Relationship More Positive
Competitive friendships tend to survive best when there is space for developing separate areas of accomplishment. Discover individual strengths and talents that you can pursue (rather than following each other through life) and that should build respect rather than envy. And remember to praise your friend when she achieves her dreams!
50-80
Balanced Friendship
Your friendship is based on honesty and trust, which means you know your friend’s there for you, but you don’t abuse that facility. If you do ever fall out, you make up fast, and before any damage is done. There’s a lot of compromise in your relationship. You may contribute different things, but you bring equal amounts and your relationship is complementary and fair.
How To Sustain This Relationship
Take some time to analyse your friendship and its greatest value or role in your life. Is it based mainly on fun and socialising? Business and career discussions? Take note of how much time is invested in each aspect and then see how the other three could also become staples in your relationship, if necessary. Could you provide better emotional support by honing your listening skills? Could you discover more about your friend’s career or life plans? Do you need to beef up the socialising, going out together at least one night a week? Any work will help make your relationship multi-dimensional, meaning fewer feelings of loss when either of you take a change of direction in your lives.
Take a minute to think about your best friend. Really think about her. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Trust? Loyalty? Competitiveness? Annoyance? As dark as it sounds, many of our friendships are subconsciously based on underlying themes of envy (when her man whisked her off abroad), dislike and anger (how come her love life takes up all your energy?). These negative emotions can either knit the relationship together or, if suppressed, bubble over into blazing rows and week-long sulks.
Although it’s normal to not love everyone 24/7, remember that the friendships you cultivate – and how you deal with them – actually speak volumes about you. But whatever your bond is built on, there is a way to make it unbreakable. Simply take our quiz, with one specific friend in mind (begin with your best friend), for advice on how to have a healthier, happier friendship, starting today.
The Friendship Test
1. Your friend tells you she’s going on a diet for your holiday together. Do you:
A. Tell her she looks fantastic the size she is.
B. Make all the right noises but find yourself tempting her with an odd chocolate or two.
C. Worry that she’ll look better on the beach than you.
D. Offer encouragement and buy her diet books and some state-of-the-art bathroom scales.
2. Your friend buys you anti-wrinkle cream for your birthday. You think:
A. It’s a joke. You’ll get her a bus-pass holder!
B. You’re delighted. It’s an expensive brand and an incredible treat.
C. You take it as an insult and start planning how to let her know you’re offended.
D. You book yourself in for Botox immediately.
3. Your friend has been made redundant and asks if there are any jobs at your firm. You:
A. Not only ask HR, but put in a glowing. recommendation for her as well.
B. Lie and say there are no vacancies. She’s a great mate, but you’re not sure she’s got what it takes.
C. Wonder why she’s muscling in on your territory.
D. Start planning all the fun you’ll have together on your lunch breaks.
4. How would you describe the way your friend looks?
A. Most people take you for sisters.
B. Equally attractive and as stylish as you, but with different colouring.
C. Very different to you, but your looks complement each other.
D. Gorgeous! You’re proud that she’s your friend.
5. Your parents’/partner’s attitude to your friend is:
A. That she’s OK, but sometimes they joke she’s a bit of a bad influence.
B. That she’s part of the family.
C. So-so, You find yourself having to stand up for her quite a lot.
D. Great. Sometimes they seem to like her more than you do!
6. You would describe your falling-outs as:
A. Epic. They tend to flare up over perceived slights and then last for months at a time.
B. Small irritations. She has a few traits or habits that you find annoying now and again, but your rarely say or do anything about them.
C. You don’t fall out. You never let it get to that stage.
D. You shout and row occasionally, but you always hug and make up right away.
7. How do you normally communicate with each other?
A. Text and email. It’s your own personal blogging system and you miss nothing during the day.
B. You always phone, at least once a week or more.
C. You meet up and do your talking face-to-face.
D. It’s almost by osmosis. Even if you don’t see her for a while you can always guess how she’s feeling.
8. How do you think your friends would describe you?
A. Funny, loud, spontaneous.
B. Successful, dynamic.
C. Someone who understands them and is always there for them.
D. Paranoid, insecure and in need of regular cheering up.
0-25
Suppressed Friendship
You’re aware your friend can be annoying but you’re avoiding conflict to the point where you’re in danger of turning passive-aggressive, i.e. sitting on a whole barrel-load of simmering resentments until they boil over into one great potentially lethal row.
Why do you find your friend so difficult to talk to? You’re happy to chat about other problems with her, but not the one that’s bugging you the most, which is her. Your desire for approval and avoidance of any communication that might compromise the ‘serene’ nature of your relationship needs some analysis – is your friend dominating your life? Does she call the shots over most of the major decisions? Fear seems to be a big factor here, which is rarely a good basis for a strong friendship.
How To Reboot This Friendship
First, write down a list of all the things your friend does that you feel are unfair or that irritate you. Now delete anything that you feel is more about you – i.e. anything that most people would judge to be normal. Next discuss problems calmly, face to face, but focus on future change rather than old whinges. Let her know all the things you value about her as a friend.
26-49
Competitive Friendship
You’re the Blair and Serena of the friendship world, warring your way through life and seeing your friend as part mate, part rival. In many ways you’d die for each other, but sometimes you’d happily kill each other, too! Trust can be an issue with you. Would you really trust your friend alone with your man? Probably not. But then she probably wouldn’t trust you either.
You use this friendship to achieve success in your life – allowing emotions like jealousy to spur you on to achieve more – or you secretly like it because, despite the rows, you know life’s never boring with her.
How To Make This Relationship More Positive
Competitive friendships tend to survive best when there is space for developing separate areas of accomplishment. Discover individual strengths and talents that you can pursue (rather than following each other through life) and that should build respect rather than envy. And remember to praise your friend when she achieves her dreams!
50-80
Balanced Friendship
Your friendship is based on honesty and trust, which means you know your friend’s there for you, but you don’t abuse that facility. If you do ever fall out, you make up fast, and before any damage is done. There’s a lot of compromise in your relationship. You may contribute different things, but you bring equal amounts and your relationship is complementary and fair.
How To Sustain This Relationship
Take some time to analyse your friendship and its greatest value or role in your life. Is it based mainly on fun and socialising? Business and career discussions? Take note of how much time is invested in each aspect and then see how the other three could also become staples in your relationship, if necessary. Could you provide better emotional support by honing your listening skills? Could you discover more about your friend’s career or life plans? Do you need to beef up the socialising, going out together at least one night a week? Any work will help make your relationship multi-dimensional, meaning fewer feelings of loss when either of you take a change of direction in your lives.
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