‘I Love You, But…’

Living with someone's quirks and habits can be a challenge. Lets discover how to stop little things sabotaging a good relationship.

A recent poll on partners most irritating habits revealed we have little reticence in naming and shaming the worst offenders.
Irritating behavior that are left to fester can erode or break down relationships. Minor irritations, can, over time, build up to exploding point and result in one person walking out of the relationship. Most of us start off in a relationship oblivious to, or even fond of, our partners quirks, and it is only when the honeymoon haze lifts and we settle into everyday life that these things start to grate.
Cunningham puts it down to the transition from ‘front-stage behavior, when we're still trying to make a good impression, to ‘back-stage behavior, when we relax and show our true selves.
It is often difficult to eliminate these annoyances, so the challenge is working out how to live with them. Often relationships fail not because we don't love each other enough but because we don't know how to live together. You may not be able to change your partner's behavior, but you can change your perspective and your reactions. We show you how.


1. Think About What Lies Beneath
In some ways there are no small things in relationships. Things that really irritate you are often doing so for a reason. The small things may be standing in for much bigger things. So irritation over a sock left on the floor may be a code for deeper issues.
We can also be quick to draw conclusions, so the sock on the floor ends up being evidence of selfishness and lack of respect. It becomes less about the behavior and more about the meaning we attach to it. It's important to think about whether a reaction could be a clue to something deeper (are you getting your needs met and feeling loved enough?), while being aware that it is easy to leap to conclusions. We can go straight to quite catastrophic thinking, such as ‘He doesn't care about me or even ‘He’s the wrong man for me. Big, fearful thoughts can attach to seemingly trivial irritations.

2. Join The Same Team
Everybody has to live with irritations. It's the way these things are approached that is the indicator of a healthy relationship. Take one partner snoring as an example. Successful couples avoid talking about it in an attacking way or in a way that implies it's just one person's issue, and instead see it as a problem they will manage together.
Similarly, with annoyances over competing interests - who does the chores, whose parents you spend the weekend with - the couples who manage best are those who have the strongest notion of joint endeavor.

3. Aim For Friendly Intervention
Raising difficult issues can feel precarious, as we can get stuck in a cycle of hammering out the same issues, with each confrontation becoming more toxic, there is a BARE model: breathe, accept, respect and eulogies.
Before you raise anything that is causing you anxiety or annoyance you need to soothe yourself. You will be visibly holding tension in your face and body, so take some deep breaths. Then start from a position of acceptance and compassion, and speak respectfully in a way that does not blame or shame, taking responsibility for your own feelings and avoiding any statements that begin ‘You always or ‘You never. And lastly, find something genuine to compliment your partner to soften the complaint.

4. Work Out What You Are Projecting
Think carefully as to what your partner does that irritates and bothers you the most as it might say more about you than it does about them. Often the things that annoy us most intensely in our partners are the things that we struggle to accept or come to terms with in ourselves.
If we search for the tolerance and acceptance in ourselves, we will naturally extend this towards our partners.
In the spirit of acceptance, remember, too, that every one of us will have a habit that is irritating to others, even if we're not aware of it. We do many things mindlessly that simply won't even register. If a partner is annoying you, but not pulling you up on something, realize that it won't be because you're perfect, but that they are displaying generosity and compassion that you could return.

5. Express Annoyances Early On
Although it can be hard to change behaviors, studies show that the earlier in our relationship we can express what really bugs us, the better. Irritations become more irksome over time.
The increased sensitivity to social allergens over time explains why those in long-term relationships can suddenly erupt over what seems like a tiny infraction, such as crumbs left in the butter. The first time it happens it's slightly annoying, the hundredth can feel unbearable.
6. Acknowledge Your Different Drives
Many irritations derive from basic differences in personality. It's easy to take the things that annoy you as personal affronts, but it's useful to remember that your partner's motivations may just be different from your own. People do things for their own reasons. They are just not yours. For example, extroverts are energized from being with people and introverts lose energy from being sociable. By understanding that these were simply the different ways of relaxing and not personal slights, you become more tolerant of each other and argue less.
Most behaviors never really change, so rather than getting stuck in endless, futile battles, take stock and think about where your partner's motivations lie. It may be that simply having greater understanding and acceptance of your differences could be enough to diffuse the irritation.